Hi friends,
It’s been a really interesting year for me. In February I had a hysterectomy to treat my long-undiagnosed endometriosis and pelvic congestion syndrome.
The surgery was a turning point in my relationship with my health. Right before I was given my anesthetic, I was weighed to make sure they were giving me the right amount. It was the first time I had looked at the number on the scale…ever? Since my teen years? For some reason, in that moment, with my brother and sister-in-law at my side, I was able to look at something I had avoided for so long. And I learned that I had gained 60 pounds in the past four years.
This is not a post about weight. Whatever your relationship is to your weight, or your body, I hope it feels healthy and good. Your body is amazing. Your body is taking care of you, and mine was taking care of me as best it could. In my case, though, I had stopped listening to my body. I had been trying to ignore it in the hopes I could shut down the pain (lifelong migraines, endometriosis, nausea, pelvic pain, etc etc).
On the day of my surgery, I was able to see that my body needed my help, and I was able to listen to it. After recovering for three weeks, I decided to see if I could change the trajectory I had been on in my body. I decided to try the FDA-approved weight loss drug, Wegovy, and my doctors agreed that this approach might help me continue my healing journey. Much like when I started on Lexapro in 2015, I knew I was signing up for confusing and mysterious side effects. I knew that every body responds to medication differently. I took a deep breath and first injected myself with Wegovy in late February.
I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t have a fraught relationship with psychiatric medication, and the same is true for Wegovy. It took me many years to accept that I needed to give ssris a chance to regulate the serotonin in my brain. I had to go through a pretty extreme migraine drug experience in order to understand how to think about side effects: as part of the healing package. Worst during the early stages and when changing dosage. And always a balancing act. With both Wegovy and ssris, you are dealing with stigma and judgements from all sides — including your own!
In my role as Chief of Staff at a tech innovation lab, I talk a lot about growth mindset, or the ability to see experiences for their learning potential (as opposed to fixed states of being). In the past five months of my medication ups and downs, I have been forced to live my philosophy many times over. In addition to going up on Wegovy (I’m currently at 1.7 mg), I am going down on Lexapro (from 20 mg to now 5 mg). Overall I’m moving the right direction: I’m halfway to my weight goal and generally feeling much, much less pain than I was six months ago. But it has not been easy. I said to a friend, “Wegovy is to the body as an ssri is to the brain. It’s a miraculous medical tool, but needs to be treated with respect.”
A couple of weeks ago, I either had the worst stomach flu of my life, or a set of very bad Wegovy side effects. I talked to my mom about it on the phone and she said, “Meredith, I feel like you go through these things just to help other people understand them.” I laughed and said she was right — being able to communicate what I am experiencing with the goal of helping others gives my experiences shape and purpose.
What has helped me the most is trying to take a very wide perspective on my health journey. I tell myself: “Give it a year.” A year to fully adjust to my medication changes. A year to learn to trust myself and my intuition again. A year to learn how chronic pain actually works, and how to treat it.
Rest assured that I will share whatever I learn with you all, fellow voyagers, to do with as you please.
Love, Meredith
How physical and emotional pain intersect
Unbroken: The Trauma Response Is Never Wrong
“Recalibrating the nervous system after trauma…trauma defined as “an unbearable emotional experience that lacks a relational home.” March 23, 2023
The Ezra Klein Show
This Book Changed My Relationship to Pain
‘How pain serves as “the body’s warning signal”; how mood, stress levels and social environment can amplify or dial down our pain levels; how emotions and trauma influence pain levels; why studies on back pain have yielded such bewildering results; how to figure out and improve your personal “pain recipe” Feb 21, 2023
The Atlantic
“Physical pain activates several parts of the brain, notably the anterior cingulate cortex, or ACC. Neuroscientists have found that our thrifty brains piggyback the experience of emotional pain in the same location…” Aug 25, 2022
Jane, This note means so much to me. There are times when I'm writing and I think "Does anyone even care about this?" and hearing that you do, and it helps you, is definite motivation to keep going! Thank YOU!
Meredith, thank you so much for sharing your experiences and being so open and transparent. Your articles and posts have helped me personally so much! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!