Greetings from Cabo San Lucas, fellow voyagers, where I’m squeezing in a summer trip with my 13-year-old daughter, Alice, before school starts in a couple of weeks.
It’s taken me a long time — too long, really—to spot the pattern that emerges every time I travel. It starts in the days leading up to the trip when I procrastinate all forms of planning. “Maybe I’ll just wait until the morning to pack,” I tell myself. “I’ll look at my flight details later, too.”
When the time unavoidably arrives, I slide through the airport and into my seat on the plane, gripping tightly in my just-get-it-done way. I put myself into sleep mode and try to make time disappear while in transit.
After arriving at my destination, in my first day in a new place, I’m outwardly excited but inwardly ambivalent. “Is this the right hotel? Will we like it here? Am I wasting money or time? Did I make the right choice?” These questions don’t even form themselves as words in my head — they go so deep, they are more like my internal travel shadow self.
By day two or three, I’ve started to relax, and things quickly improve. “I don’t have to listen to weird dance hall music at the pool— I’ll just bring my earbuds and listen to my Palm Spring Lounge mix!” The more I adjust to the new place, the better off I am, and my shadow self recedes. My stomach settles and I start to have fun.
What helps me with travel is the same as what helps me in all things: spotting the pattern and confirming that I am not alone. I texted my trusted sis-in-law, Annie, and she told me that I’m not the only one to second guess a trip, saying, “We all do this. It’s about expectation setting. I remind myself that the misadventures are the stories you always tell.”
I love her point. Instead of worrying that the many frat guys Alice and I see in the pool the first night will ruin our trip, I start to imagine the stories we will tell, “There were more sausages in the pool than you’d find in Munich on Oktoberfest.”
It’s amazing how healing storytelling can be. It’s why I’m writing you all now — to remind you that even if you are feeling weird or off about something, you’re definitely not alone. Someone else has felt the same way. And your feelings will change over time.
Speaking of feelings, ever noticed that traveling can make you feel bigger feelings than might normally happen in daily life? Alice came in to the hotel room and found me tearing up while listening to an interview of Paul Reubens by Conan O’Brien. “I’m so sad he’s gone,” I said to Alice. “He was one of my creative heroes. Pee-Wee invited everyone in. All were welcome in his world.”
(In the past year or so, I’ve started an ever-growing list of my creative heroes in my Notes app on my phone. I find it weirdly comforting to grow this list of people I admire, and I recommend you do it too.)
Getting to know who you are is a lifelong journey. Even though you’d think I’d have figured these things out by age 48, I am still in the day-two-receding-shadow-self-finding-my-footing stage of this journey. Thank you for giving me a place to share these thoughts. I would love to hear from you if you’ve spotted similar patterns in yourselves!
I hope you all are having wonderful summer adventures filled with ups, downs, and in-betweens. Love, Meredith
Love this, Meredith. Glad you’re having a fun summer.