Hello reader! If you’re new to this newsletter, welcome. I’m Meredith Arthur and I work in tech. For the past nine years I’ve been writing about how overthinkers, people pleasers, and perfectionists navigate anxiety. These days I am particularly focused on making sure my body and mind understand each other via my tripod of healing: clinical somatics, polyvagal theory, and mindbody syndrome.
Advice of the week
I was telling a Voyager friend of mine that I write because I’m driven to understand and be understood. In a very kind and gentle way, she said, “I’m big on self compassion and radical acceptance these days because I realized that wanting to be understood by others was coming from a lack of ability to show up for myself.”
“Dang,” I thought to myself. “She nailed it.”
Now when I feel the angry kid part of myself reaching for the laptop to make a point, I pause and remind myself…
Getting the world to understand me was never the real goal. As a wise, sometimes sad but very successful Muppet once sang, “It’s not easy being green, but it’ll do fine. It’s beautiful and I think it’s what I want to be.”
Tip of the week
When it comes to nervous system regulation, the best approach is “small and frequent.”1 This iterative approach frees you from big expectations in favor of small improvements. In other words, it’s less stressful to take a step than it is to run a marathon.
You can reinforce positive changes by paying attention to them. Somatic and polyvagal-trained practitioner Sarah Baldwin suggests in her latest newsletter that you “Write down all of the positive shifts and changes you’re seeing as you do your nervous system healing work — just noting these positive shifts is a regulating strategy itself! ”
How to create a running list of positive shifts
Choose a place for your list — could be your latest journal or notes app. It just has to be easily accessible whenever a positive glimmer hits you.
The next time you have a small positive shift, write down a short description of what you did that led it to happen.
Over time, you will start to see themes and insights from what’s working, which can then snowball into more positive shifts.
Examples of positive shifts
Here are the three examples Sarah also shared, alongside my “translation” for each for those of you who are new to polyvagal theory2:
Example 1: March 22
“I got in a fight with my partner and Team Sympathetic came to my aid. Usually I stay here for an entire day, but I did a regulating resource and came out in an hour.”
→ My translation: “I got in a fight with my partner and my nervous system went into hyperarousal (aka fight or flight). Usually I’d be stuck here for a whole day, but since I’m learning new tactics to escape fight or flight, I was able to move out of that state in just one hour.”
Example 2: June 12
“I was feeling shut down this morning but I knew Team Dorsal was present and I feel more in control because I know what’s happening in my system.”
→ My translation:“I felt shut down and like crap this morning. Normally I just float around this state, stuck and confused. I now understand that in addition to hyperarousal (fight or flight), you can experience hypoarousal (immobilization). There are things you can do to regulate hypoarousal. That knowledge helped me feel more in control.”
Example 3: August 1
“Someone asked me a question and I went into Freeze. First, I dealt with Team Dorsal by holding ice. Then, I dealt with Team Sympathetic by going for a run. Afterward, I was able to give them an answer.”
→ My translation: “Someone asked me a question that stressed me out and I went into a frozen state that felt both panicked and shut down (hyper- and hypo- aroused) at the same time. I recognized this freeze state and knew what to do. I woke up the part of my system that was hypoaroused by holding ice. Then I went for a run to deal with the hyperaroused part. This regulated my entire system so I could deal with the situation and give the person a clear answer.”
Taking the time to jot down what happened is another way to remind yourself the next time that you have techniques to help yourself when slipping into dysregulation.3
Video of the week
Deb Dana is a clinician and co-founder of the Polyvagal Institute. She nicknamed the small positive shifts I described above “glimmers,” going on to say, “We've discovered as you begin to see a glimmer, you begin to look for more. It's just what we do... and we then delight in finding them.”
Starting at 2:56 in this video, Dana guides you through simple movements you can try to help yourself find safety in your nervous system.:
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